A Month Without Zayn :(

So today is April 25, while it is the perfect date (not too cold, not too hot, all you need is a light jacket) it also marks one month since One Direction released the life changing statement that Zayn was leaving One Direction. I’ll pause here to let you collect yourself because if you are like me you forgot all about this tragic event and until now haven’t even thought of it. Well during this time I lost all inspiration and such to make a post about my opinion and how it all made me feel, but now that its been a month, I figured what better day than today to dive into these emotions and talk about Zayn’s decision. I just want to say that during this time I went through so many emotions but at the end of the day I respect Zayns decision, I will always love him and support him, and I wish him all the best on his new journey.

I guess I could do this in a timeline kind of way. So think back to the beginning of 2015 when life was great, the tank was clean, and OTRA was just about to start. We all noticed how Zayn was tweeting way more than any member of 1D, he was dancing on stage, and he was even thanking his fans more than he ever had. This was a new Zayn from the quiet shy one we have come to know over the years. The fandom was loving every minute of this! Especially if you were a Zayn girl he was coming out of his shell and from what we saw he was loving life!.

Flash over a bit more down the road to the boys in Thailand…we all know what happened in Phuket…but for those of you who don’t…this is when Zayn’s cheating rumors arose. He was photographed with a girl named Lauren Rich holding hands. Lauren later posted a photo on her instagram of Zayn holding her torso. This would be all fine and dandy if Zayn wasn’t in a public relationship, not to mention ENGAGED, to Perrie Edwards from Little Mix. If I was an engaged man, drunk or not, I don’t think I would be touching other women in that way. So what happens after this??? Zayn gets thrown under the bus for cheating by every single news source possible. This isn’t the first time rumors like this have been linked to Zayn, so obviously this took some sort of a toll on him and Perrie

Next came something that no one really expected but accepted. Zayn has decided to take some time off the tour for stress, tweeted by his publicist that he would miss the shows in Jakarta and Manila. And then he sent out this tweet.

Zayn wasn’t very vocal when the rumors first started so it was nice that he finally broke the silence.
Manila and Jakarta shows past, people make up stories that the boys are all crying onstage, and then everyone expects Zayn to be recuperated and come back to tour. One Direction sends out a tweet of just a link and it brings you to a facebook post which basically says that Zayn has decided to leave One Direction. Keep in mind that March 25th was only a week away from April Fools day.

The statement goes on to say that Zayn wants to be a “normal 22 year old” and that Liam. Louis, Niall, and Harry will continue on as a four piece, will continue touring, and plan to release an album by the end of the year. Earlier this day I had an insane stomach ache, I was nauseous and shaking and decided to stay home from class. Thank god I did because I was in my dorm by myself when I found out, and immediately started getting texts and calls and going through the grieving cycle trying to grasp everything that was going on. I still can’t believe that he has decided to leave One Direction and still hasn’t made much of a statement or anything about it. Yes, there was an article from The Sun, but he was barely even quoted in it and all he did was say that Perrie is a good girl and that he really just wants to be a normal guy and focus on himself. So as of now we all are left to believe that Zayn left One Direction for his mental health and that he just doesn’t want the fame anymore. I mean this makes no sense because he will always be followed like he is today since he made his decision, people will always want to know what he is up to, and Perrie is still in the spotlight so I don’t see how Zayn would think he could be normal. Also if he wants to be a normal 22 year old he should help pay my college loans because that’s what 22 year olds do!

Hopefully you guys are still with me, so now the statement is out, Zayn has left One Direction, I’m crying and angry and pissed off and missing him and feeling bad for the boys…and then Naughtyboy starts running his mouth. While the world is watching the first official concert since Zayn has left, pictures of Zayn at the studio arise and who is he with? Whose studio is it? Naughtyboys. HOLD UP. So you mean to tell me Zayn wants to be a normal 22 year old yet he is RECORDING MUSIC????? Now the fandom is enraged! Those who were concerned for Zayns mental health now feel betrayed and lied to. Is Zayn lying us? Did he really leave One Direction to do his own thing? Either way the message is out that Zayn is now recording music. A few days later Naughtyboy gets on Louis nerves. They get in a bit of a twitter fight and low and behold Naughty drops a soundcloud of a Zayn demo……

Now its been confirmed Zayn was working on solo stuff and a bunch of secrets and unleashed. The fandom dug through Naughtyboys twitter and found tons of crypitc tweets indicating that Zayn has been working with him since September….tweeting lyrics and such to his song “I Won’t Mind” and whats even more… Simon Cowell has tweeted NB calling him a genius. At this point I don’t know who to trust…. so you are telling me that Simon Cowell is supporting Naughtyboy and Zayn even though its what broke up the band and made Zayn leave? You are also telling me that Zayn left to be normal yet he is going to launch a solo career. I’m sorry but is anything adding up????? There is also the question of how Zayn got out of the contract so easily…and now that he did he screwed over the boys to receive their bonus if all five stay together by the end of the contract.

Here is the song by the way.

So now the song has dropped, the fandom is a mess, still no word from Zayn. In fact, the tweet that dropped the song had Zayns signature 🙂 x in it so did he drop it? Did NB drop it? No one knows but it was done out of spite because of a fight with Louis. Is Zayn this guy who doesn’t care about his fans…why isnt he stopping NB… Since Zayn left things have been pretty calm, the boys continued to tour until it was the end of the leg. Zayn was removed from the opening video and the boys take turns covering his solos. Zayn and Perrie flee to France with the family, everyone holding their breath for a possible wedding, and of course posting loads and loads of instagrams of them on holiday. Luckily no rushed wedding occurred but now everyone is under the impression that things are fine with Perrie despite the Thailand incident. Also most people were blaming Perrie for Zayn leaving but now we see Naughtyboys involvement with it all and can place more of the blame on him.

The next and final stop in this month of hell would be Zayn’s recent appearance at the Asian Awards. He was named an ambassador a while ago and that night he was being honored. The fandom was going crazy waiting for this moment when Zayn would finally make a public appearance and be in the spotlight again. Keep in mind during this time Zayn was never tweeting or anything. In fact he didn’t make a return to twitter until 4/20 lol. So 4/17 the day of the awards, they are only relevant because Zayn is attending and he is finally there! He emerges from his ride with a clean shaven face…and head. Yup!! Zayn shaved his head! A new hair new me kinda of mentality. He spent his time on the red carpet with his mother as his date by his side and stopping to take pictures with fans. Zayn may not have ever said anything but since he did stop for the fans he gained some points back. It was heartbreaking to see that this is how it would be now, Zayn doing his own thing..but it was good to see him out and about and happy.

His speech is also adorable ignore NB

Listen for when he thanks the Four boys!

So now here we are a month later, Zayn has made an appearance, the other boys are writing again and Zayn has gone back to tweeting.

I think this tweet is funny because he’s def not thanking the fans he is thanking his family and NB

So what is my opinion on this? I figure its best for me to explain it through the different stages of grief.

Denial- So I’m still kind of in denial that he is gone. It’s weird he won’t be in any more music videos, any more commercials, any more interviews, any more merch. Its going to be so obvious that he is missing, its going to be hard to not hear him on the next album, to know he made this decision. But until that day comes, its like he’s still there. He is still in everything that exists now and until I see only four of them on tour I won’t ever fully grasp that he has left.

Anger- There is so much anger involved in all of this. I’m mad that the left the four behind, I’m mad that Naughtyboy is so happy about this, and I’m mad that Simon is somewhat involved. It’s truly upsetting that he said he wanted to be normal but he is doing some solo things…I just feel lied to honestly. And I will never really understand why he felt the need to leave. He left them in the middle of the tour. If this wasn’t about his mental state he easily could have ridden it out or even said something before he committed to it all. The album came out in November and the song was talked about in September.

Depression- The most common. I will always be said that Zayn left, everything will be different and that just not okay

Bargaining- Maybe its all for publicity, just trying to understand it all really. Also I am dead serious I think that one day he will come back once he is bored doing nothing. I hope maybe in a year or so. I mean the band had him set for life, why he would leave that when it was going so well? makes no sense

Lastly comes acceptance- If Zayn doesn’t want to be a part of it why should I want him to be a part of it. Why should I want this for him more than he does. It is what it is and it really really sucks but he is happy. Honestly I wouldn’t want him to keep faking it if this is what he really wants. Sometimes I notice things that basically foreshadowed all of this and I don’t know what to think about it. But at the end of the day I have to realize, he isnt dead, his memory will live on, and as long as he is happy I’m going to be okay with it.

I love you Zayn, this month has been hard but its all coming together